Good or Bad?

Finally...home. Well, its been a fairly uninteresting day at work today; so I guess there's nothing much to pen down. In that case....maybe I can...for once, talk about some of my thoughts about life. Yikes...I hope I don't sound too philosophically crappy. Or worse, sound like a raving lunatic.

I don't know about other people, but sometimes in life, I tend to stop and take a breath...and ask myself....have I been a good person? There are so many expectations to live up to. So many questions that are so difficult to answer. Have I been a good son? Have I been a good friend? Have I been a good brother? and....finally am I a good person? I know right now all this might sound confusing....but it really makes you evaluate yourself as a person.

What defines a man? By his actions? by his words? by his thoughts? Deep inside everyone, I believe there is this true desire that are most different from our actions. Think about it, most of the things we do are because of what we are expected to do. Our actions are so called programmed to what is acceptable to society's standards. And if we were to do what we REALLY want....then people will labelled us as a "BAD" person. In many times in my life, I'm faced with this dilemma. Our thoughts and our emotions conflicts with our actions. Then at that point of time...would you listen to your heart? or your head. Thats when you have to do the right thing....for everyone's expectation and happiness. But never yours. And then here's another stupid question that sets you thinking....Since it is society's expectations for me to do what is perceived to be the right thing...am I a bad person to have thoughts of doing what I feel instead?

Hmmmm, at the end of the day, I guess I'm asking all these questions is because...maybe I'm trying to find my place in this world. For all my life, I have tried to be the best that I can be. And sometimes I wonder will it be ever enough. I feel as if I am not at that level that I can say I'm proud to be who I am and what I have become. Though, I'm not saying I have this inferiority complex. It is just that I am not that good yet. Maybe let me illustrate it in a different context.

Take an example of relationships. Sometimes in life when I meet a special someone...I tend to think to myself...this is a great gal...and I feel that I'm not good enough for her yet. In a more cliche manner of speaking...I don't deserve a girl like that. There are plenty of other guys that are much more deserving and good. The reason I feel that way, comes back to the same question. What defines a man? Do I deserve that girl cos of my virtues? Achievements? Morale? Financial status? Or simply by just being a nice guy? But all I know is, for the time being, I still feel I'm not good enough for those great gals out there.

Man, I do have alot on my mind huh? But I guess I'll work it out someday. Things always have a funny way of working themselves out. Still, we have to fight our own skeletons in our closets. I hope maybe one day, I can post up an entry that that says....I have found my place...and I have defined myself...